it's about time.

 

so, i just realized i haven't blogged in plus or minus 87 days. i would say that is pathetic but i'm fine with it. i do this thing where i write and rewrite blogs in my head but then never bring myself to spend the time or energy putting them in this little space. which is ultimately fine BUT takes away from the purpose for why i started this little thing in the first place. i know i have a bad memory so this is my place for remembering...

the past few months have been a bit crazy for my world. summed up in a short(ish) story i had 3 surgeries from july to december. amidst those surgeries, my dad got diagnosed with prostate cancer and also had a pretty severe stroke. to say that we have spent many days at the doctors office and in hospitals might be an understatement.

but when i look back on those days, and surgeries and the unknown i have to say that i am very grateful to be on this side of it all. because at least for today i can say that i am healthy, my dad is healthy, the rest of my family and friends are healthy and that is more than enough to be grateful for.

and i think through the past 6 months or so i really have learned what it is to trust God. you see, i thought i knew, but he brought it onto a whole new level for me. for the first time, i was the one in the waiting room, putting my trust in doctors i didn't know, in surgeries that weren't all that common, being patient with tests and scans. and ultimately it was a good season for me in my life....bc the lord said, this is the road you are up against, and if you don't trust me, it's not going to be easy.

i guess i am getting ahead of myself though...before my first surgery i had serious anxiety about the surgery that was coming, and let me tell you, my wonderful roommates and family really showed me unconditional love through that time because if i am very honest i was scared out of my mind and this "idea" of trusting in His plan was far from my mind and heart. listening to different type of cancers be thrown around in doctors offices and really just the unknown was almost too much for me to handle. but these wonderful people god puts in my life, they just loved me and comforted me and mostly reminded me that all of this was not in my control. and let me tell you, for the time being i needed that told to me a lot. so thank you again, (you know who you are). at this time when fear was just creeping up it was a "put your money where your mouth is moment." what i mean by that is, i have a god who loves me and takes on the burdens of this world for me, so why was i letting the fear and anxiety take over my life?

it's not that i even have an answer to that question but luckily after the first surgery came and went i had a renewed feeling of peace. that whatever direction all of this was going to go i KNEW and TRUSTED that there was a god who loved me and would protect me in all of this. that he would protect my family and friends and just everyone who was with me through this process. and when i look back on all of that it's so simple for me to see that he protected me. he guided me through the next 2 surgeries and amidst all the odds and horrible side effects, he protected me.

if i will take away anything from this period in life it would just be that it is easy to say you will trust god through the good, bad and ugly. and when i was actually put in that situation, it wasn't easy. but he fought for me and took away fears and uncertainties and i just feel like i do have a little bit of a new outlook on some things in life because of this. seeing god use tough situations (as well as all the good ones) in my life as teaching and growing opportunities is wonderful...i mean for me, that is what life is about.

this is a verse that has really stuck with me the past couple months and that i have referenced and read more times than i can count but it really is a wonderful reminder that i love so much...

“We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, character produces hope, and our hope does not disappoint us because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit.”

so through the good, the bad, the ups and downs, i will rejoice.